Over the past one year, my experience as the cultural secretary, my interaction with the seniors and with certain classmates and also with my lady friends has been more bitter than sweet. I sometimes wonder whether it’s my entire fault. Am I really conservative? I’ve always been against the conservative attitudes of Malayalis in general which is evident in the statements by politicians, dialogues in films and random conversations with classmates here. But when it came to something that I myself had to be personally involved with, did I really become the typical malayali that I really despise?
Let me make one thing straight first. I am not against having fun and I am no Gandhian who says no to alcohol. I don’t mind having a drink myself once in a while. But the attitude of those in our hostel is ridiculous. It’s always about daaru, party and gossip! If you want to drink, do it in the comfort of your room, with your best buddies, get drunk, whatever. But destroying furniture, trying to get others drunk and public puking is just disgusting. The closest thing to a convincing argument that I’ve received from those that endorse that this kind of behavior is that it happens in most hostels. Ok, granted, even I was hoping to have some fun when I decided to stay in a hostel for the first time a year ago. But I doubt whether crap of this magnitude takes place anywhere else in the India.
When I read ‘On The Road’ by Jack Kerouac, I was really enticed by the concept of hedonism. I even made a community in orkut (facebook was unheard of then) called hedonism. And what happens here in the hostel is quite literally a hedonistic lifestyle. And I really do understand it when people say “this is our last chance to have fun” and stuff. I really do. And I really feel like a party pooper, a geek and a loser when I stand against these parties. But think about it. There are some of us in class who have never been to anything like these parties before. You can argue that the corporate world will be filled with parties like this. Agreed. But I doubt whether there will be excessive drinking there and people making out. Even if there are, that’s not the point. Some of us are not used to so much affluence. Plus having to pay such a big amount for a party that you don’t want to attend is just plain extortion. You’re just forcing someone to do something that they don’t want to.
One thing that I’ve noticed is the total lack of respect for the concerns of others. It’s always about getting what a bunch of people want. And there’s another bunch of people who reluctantly follow them out of fear of being treated like an outcast. I was in this category until I realized no matter what I do, I would be looked upon with scorn as I am just not like them. The backbiting, backstabbing, the rumours, it's absolutely ludicrous. Not to mention the drama that happened just before the second semester exams. I doubt if anyone could study anything properly (not that anyone really wants to, including me).
What really hurts is I worked so hard to reach this place. The statistical probability of me getting into a half decent Masters' programme was next to nothing. But out of desperation to get out of the stone age town of Trivandrum and out of eagerness to learn something worthwhile, I made it. I was proud of myself to get into Gokhale Institute of Politics and Economics. And then I see all this potential wasted away on petty things and I feel so helpless. Out of desperation to make a difference, I quit the cultural secretary post and took a stand against the last party. Quite a few people did not go for the party. I was pretty happy. But then, I probably made a lot more enemies.
My studies has almost gone down the drain. It would really take a miracle for me to get a decent score now. And I honestly have lost my concentration and desire to study because when I am at that place, all I can think of is the shit that happens. Even when you pour your heart out to someone here, all you get is a scornful and sarcastic Hindi joke that I barely understand.
Now, I just make sure that I don't lose my sanity to the point that I screw my MA. I am trying to get a place outside the hostel which I think is quite expensive. Even if I do, I cannot just ignore my classmates. I don't know how many real friends I have here, I am not sure if I even want any. I am writing this hoping I'll be able to say this to all my fellow Gokhalites before leaving this place. I have a year left. The feeling I have right now can be best described by Edward Norton's character in Fight Club. "I want to put a bullet between the eyes of every panda that wouldn't screw to save its species". Not exactly poetic, but true.
